S.L.J.V. - Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

A Bittersweet Memory

I heard the hum of the tracks as the train took off at high speed.  This train we were on was an older model than the ones found in the city, but it still gets about 300km to the hour – nothing compared to the trains in the city, but still pretty damn fast nonetheless.  Surprisingly, for being on country terrain I felt like we weren’t even moving.  But the mere fact that we were moving, even if I didn’t feel it, made me want to sleep.  And at this thought, I yawned.

“Sleepy Jadey-Lady?”  Airika chimed in, echoing a yawn herself.  All three of us were in one of the private compartments, shut off from the rest of the passengers.  There were three cushioned benches that made up the little room.  I sat on one, Danny sat across from me, and Airika was laying upside down on the one between us.  Her bare feet were up above her making footprints on the glass of the window, while her head dangled off of the seat and to the floor.

“Yeah.”  I sighed in a half answer.  “I could just take a nap.” 

“That sounds like a good idea.  I think I could join you.”  Airika muttered as she twirled her body around, sprawling out on her bench, trying to get comfy.  I wasn’t completely serious when I had mentioned sleeping; I don’t normally take naps during the day.  But I was really tired.  I guess the previous few days had caught up with me. 

Making up my mind, I turned and put my feet up on the cushion and laid my head down upon my crossed arms.  It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but i knew I could be asleep in no time.

“Need a pillow?”  Danny whispered across small space.

“I think I’ll be okay without your boney thighs under my head.”  I laughed.  It was good to see him at least trying to be his old self again.  But like I had said before, who knew how long it would last.  For all I knew, after I fell asleep he would sit there staring at me like he had admitted to doing before. 

“Well, if I’m not needed, I think I’ll go get some fresh air.  No need to sit here and torcher myself with two hot vulnerable women in the same compartment as me.”  He teased as he got up and slide the door shut behind him.  I smiled as I began to close my eyes.  Some things will never change.

“Is he gone?  Man, I thought he’d never leave.”  Airika sprang up from her ‘bed’ and crawled over to sit on the floor beside where I was laying. 

“Wait… what are you doing?”  I was startled by her sudden change in disposition. 

“Well, I thought you could tell me what happened with you and Danny. I’ve been dying to know since you mentioned it.  And you did promise to tell me later.”  She murmured sheepishly. 

“But… I was really planning on resting.”  I moaned, trying to wake myself back up. 

“Jadey-Lady…but you promised.”  She whimpered in defeat.  I laid there for a while, not moving an inch.  Then, as I closed my eyes, the memories began to flood the empty darkness behind my eyelids, painting a vivid remembrance on an empty canvas. 

I had been in training for nearly 4 months now alongside Danny.  As it turns out, he knew what he was talking about when he said that I would be a good soldier.  Who knew that I would excel so well.  It was determined shortly after I started my drills that Danny and I were compatible in fighting styles, weaponry, and overall skills and attitude.  Looking back now, we were probably a little too compatible, and probably still are to this day.

I had just turned 18 two days prior to the incident.  To me, it was just another day.  Niamh surprised me with a large lemon cupcake, which devoured in minutes.  But she was the only one who knew, and that was fine with me.  There was no need to make a big deal out of nothing when there were bigger things on our plate.  It’s funny how I still remember the taste of that dessert.  But then again, memories like that don’t happen too often anymore.

I remember that the incident happened on a Tuesday.  I was up in what we deemed the ‘crow’s nest’ of our complex in Syndrick.  It was a lookout of sorts and tonight was my night to keep watch for suspicious activity.  It was late, dark, with no stars or moon in the sky.  It had been raining most of the day, but now, only the empty clouds remained, forming a gloomy comforter over the dimly-lit city. 

Back then, Syndrick was still emerging from a town into a city, and though I haven’t been there in a few years, I here that the place has really taken off.  Man, has it really been 5 years since I’d visited the admired city of Syndrick?  I guess I should be a little more excited to being going ‘home’ – the place where all this began.

As I sat in the bench in the lookout tower, my senses were alive.  It could have been because it was night, it could have been because of the recent rainstorm still lingering on the wind, or it could have been the shear thrill of filling the duty of a real soldier.  No matter what it was, I sat there, motionless, observing the night, listening for every little sound.  It wasn’t hard to miss the clunking of boots up the metal stairwell just inside the door behind me.

I figured it was just one of the soldiers coming to check up on me, but either way, my pistol was aimed at the door when it opened. 

“Jeez, girl, can you think of a better way to greet me?”  Danny shouted out jokingly as he came through the opening.  I holstered my gun as he sat down beside me, squeezing up against me in the tight space.  I smiled a little on the inside.  I knew that Danny was my partner, but something about him drew me in like a moth to a light.  I was 18, what did I know anyway?  And it wasn’t like I was the only one caught up in the attraction, for an uncontrollable, hopeless flirting had initiated between us for the past month or so.  We really liked each other and we both knew it.

“So, shoot anyone yet tonight?”  He joked, nudging a shoulder against me. 

“Not yet.  But if distract me from my post I can change that.”  I threatened with an empty promise and a smile.  We both laughed in a hushed tone and then we fell silent.  It was times like these when things got a little awkward.  It was always like we were waiting for the next step, but neither of us would make the first move.  As an 18 year old woman, I was begging for him to take a leap.

“So, I hear you had a birthday over the weekend.”  Danny muttered, breaking the silence.  Niamh must have told him…

“Yeah, I did.  I’m 18 now, so I’m legal.”  We laughed again.  If we didn’t have anything else, we had our humor. 

“Well that’s good, because I got you something.”  Danny laughed, but getting a little serious too.  Now why the hell would he get me something for my birthday?  But before I could ask him, the clouds, which I had thought were empty, opened up again and began to pour the rest of their bladders on us.  Cloud pee… seriously?

“Come on, girl, get inside!”  Danny shouted out against the suddenly violent shower, grabbing my hand and pulling me just inside the stairwell.  We were soaked through.

“Danny, I really should get back out there.  I’m on duty, remember?  And now my post has been abandoned.  I could get in a lot of trouble.”  I protested, reaching back for the door handle that would lead back outside into the rain. 

“Come on, Jade, I think it will be okay.  There’s no point in you staying out there in that mess to watch out for an enemy that never shows their face.”  Danny objected, grabbing my hand away from the door.  “Not to mention, you’re freezing, girl.”  He muttered as he pulled me against him in a warm embrace.  I hadn’t realized how cold I really was until I was wrapped in his warmth.  It felt so nice that I never wanted to move again.

“Now, about that birthday present, right?”  He whispered in my ear as he straightened back up, releasing me from his hold.  He reached in his pocket and pulled something from within, keeping it hidden in his fist.

“And before you even ask, no, it’s not lemon cake.”  He snickered.  Then he took my hand in his and dropped the object inside, still not letting me see it, for now it was my own fist that was grasped within his.  Then finally, as if he felt the time was right, he let my hand go and nodded for me to open my fist.

Inside my palm was a silver chain with a swirling Celtic knot on the end.  A necklace.  And a beautiful piece of jewelry at that.  But, it was too much.

“Danny, I can’t take thi…”  I was cut off by a finger to my lips.

“I want you to have this.  It’s my gift to you.”  The he put his hand behind his head in a nervous fashion.  “You don’t even have to wear if you don’t want to.”  He chuckled timidly then suddenly got serious again.  “But I would really like it if you would.  You see, I want this to show something between us.”  He paused, looking for the right words as I anxiously awaited what he was getting at.  “If you wear this, Jade, then you’re displaying that you’re mine.”  Another pause.  “But not that you’re mine possessively.”  He quickly recovered.  “It’s just that…”  I could tell he was getting frustrated with himself.  “I did practice this speech I swear.”  He laughed, to relieve some of the anxiety. 

“Just breathe, Danny, and just say what you’re trying to say.”  I comforted him as I placed my free hand on his arm.

“It’s just that I really like you, girl.  And I thought that when you wear that, you could be secretly saying that you liked me too.”  He finally got it out of his system.  “I mean, you don’t have to, Jade.  I guess I just thought that…”  This time it was my turn to shut him up.

“Just stop mumbling, Dan.”  I spoke softly, kindly as I placed the necklace back in his hand.  I could see his heart drop behind his eyes – he had no idea that I had already made my decision.  “Now, could you please help me put it on?”  I smiled through my words as I turned and lifted my hair out of the way.

He didn’t say anything for a while, but I could feel the hesitation in the air.  Perhaps he was just astonished that all this was just that easy, or he was still processing what I had just said.  Then, out of nowhere, I felt cold shaking hands brush against my neck as he laced the chain around me.  He fumbled with the clasp for only a moment and then finally it was fastened.  The Celtic charm dangled low on my chest, but it was a beautiful addition.  Perhaps it was so beautiful because I knew what it symbolized, and for once in my life, I was truly content. 

I felt his fingertips linger on the back of my neck, they were unsure, nervous – I could tell he didn’t know what to do or how far to go with this instant.  Now me, on the other hand, I think I would have gone for just about anything at that moment.  Little did he know that he had me wrapped around his fingers in a triple knot.

Then he finally made his decision.  I felt his hot breath against the base of my neck and it sent chills through my whole body.  I shivered – partly from the cold rain that still soaked through to my skin, partly because of the acute sensuality I was feeling throughout my entire being.  His warm lips caressed the base of my neck just under my ear.  My eyes fluttered at the feeling.  When it stopped, I slowly turned to face him.

“Sorry, Jade.  I guess I went just a bit too far.”  He whispered as he swallowed hard, probably holding back the urges that were coursing through him.  I knew there were plenty of new feelings surging through my veins, anyway. 

“You didn’t.”  I breathed, probably a little nervous myself.  I suppose that was the only invitation he needed.  He placed his icy fingers to my cheek and lightly tucked my loose strands of wet hair behind my ear.  His sea foam eyes grabbed ahold of my own and held them there.  I couldn’t unlock my gaze from his and I didn’t want to, not even if I had the key to do so. 

Danny slowly leaned into me, his face barely an inch from mine.  The scent of his rain-kissed skin was intoxicating as it filled my senses, making me lightheaded.  Then Danny closed the gap, pressing his lips gently against mine, filling my mind and body with sweet inebriations.

It’s a shame our first kiss had never been fully fulfilled.

I was lost in his lips when a whistling sound ran through my ears.  At first, I had just assumed it was a side effect of the immeasurable bliss between us.  But I was quickly proved wrong.  Suddenly, in that last moment of complete and unreserved pleasure, we were shook apart by the quake of an explosion occurring right outside the complex.

I don’t want to relive this… not now…

I shook my memories away as if they were the quaking complex under my feet.  I just didn’t want to continue on reliving a memory that was so hard to forget.  It would be different if I could just put the memory back in a file, in the back of a drawer, somewhere where my recollections were kept within my mind.  Then I would forget it forever, just as I had struggled so hard to do the first time around.  But even just this little segment of that memory would probably have me up throughout the night seeing the faces from the first victims of my endless war.  The worst part was that some of those ‘victims’ were actually my first kills.  I had changed so much that night – and it all happened because of Danny.

“Jade?”  I heard Airika’s voice awaken me from my memories.  Something must have been worrying her because she never used my real name. “Are you okay?  Did I say something wrong?”  She was worried.  I lazily rolled my head to the side to look into her worried eyes.  Then I realized that the entire time I was reliving my last night of normalcy in my head, I had never said a word.

“I’m sorry, Airika.”  I whispered as I sat up.  She leaned back to sit on her feet, waiting for my excuse for acting so strange.  How long had I been laying there silent like that?  I stood up and made my way for the door, still without muttering another word.

“Jade?  You’re really starting to worry me.”  Airika muttered, sounding almost on the verge of tears.

“I… I need to go talk to Dan.”  I uttered silently as I slide the door open and shut it behind me, not giving her a chance to say another word.  I shouldn’t have done that to Airika, she’ll be worried sick until I got back.  But I couldn’t face her right now, not with that memory so fresh in my mind.  It had been a long time since I had ran through that night.  I leaned up against the wall in the hallway and placed an arm across my eyes.  I just didn’t want to face the world right now.  The recent recollection left me emotionally drained.  I slide to the floor and just huddled my legs up into my chest as I continued to press my back up against the wall.  Dan… it’s no wonder you still are the way you are.  Then as if I had called him, he appeared.

“Jade?  Is something wrong?”  He inquired, softly, worried.  I didn’t look up from the floor – everything was so renewed in my memories, as if I had just relived it once more.

“Dan, we need to talk.”  I mumbled.  He knelt down at my side and put a hand on my shoulder.  “But not here.”  I looked up to see his brilliant eyes searching me with concern. 

He grasped my arm and helped me to stand and we headed down the hall towards one of the dining cars.  It was getting dark outside now, cueing the passengers for dinner.  As we passed through the café cabin the scents of delicious cooked meals entranced my nose, causing me to glance at all of the plates and bowls of the diners.  It seemed like a long time since we’d had a sit-down type dinner as fancy as that.  I caught a glimpse of scallops and lobster, chicken and steak, and the most delightfully smelling buttered rolls.  At that moment, I almost sat down and took a table for two – for one, I wanted to eat and two, I no longer wanted to have this conversation with Danny.  In fact, I had no idea what I even wanted to say or what point I was trying to get across.

We ended up in a conservatory of sorts.  There were plants and vegetation all around us.  Though we weren’t actually outside, the illusion that was created made it feel like we were.  The roof of this partition was made of a thick glass that allowed us to view the night sky without feeling the whipping wind from the movement of the train.  I was surprised, however, that they did manage to create a venting system that permitted the night air to softly travel through this area, making me feel calm and tranquil, as if I really were outside.  Danny probably knew that this cabin would have that effect on me and that’s why he chose this place for the location of our ‘talk.’ 

Finding a bench in the middle of the plant life, we sat down in silence.  Neither of us spoke for the longest time.  I could tell that Danny was letting me find the words I needed, while I, on the other hand, really needed a dictionary before I began.  I sat on the bench with my legs crossed underneath me, my elbows resting on my knees, and my face in my hands.  Meanwhile, Danny sat back in his seat, rubbing my back softly, trying to calm my nerves.  He always knew what to do.

“Danny,” I finally whispered into the palms of my hands.  “I think this trip back to Syndrick is really fucking with my mind.”  I eventually blurted out.

“Just tell me about it, girl.”  Danny murmured, continuing to rub my back and shoulders.

“I just had this really vivid flashback, like I was almost reliving that night.”  I didn’t have to tell him which night I was talking about – he knew.  “It was like I remembered every little thought and detail that I experienced that night.  Thank God that Airika woke me up before I got to… well… after the explosion.  I mean, it’s bad enough I relived through the other part – I’m not sure if I could face the rest of that night.  Not yet.”  I was rambling on, not really sure what words were coming out.  I just let my mouth keep moving and I let my mind go dead.

“Jade, girl, just slow down.”  Danny began, running his fingers through the back of my hair now.  “Don’t think about it as going back to the place where all this started.  After all, it is a completely new complex now and you probably won’t even recognize it.  You should be looking forward to seeing Niamh again.  It’s been, what, like 5 years since you’ve seen her?”  He was trying to cheer me up, now.  We both knew that’s what I needed.

“Yeah it has.  Remember, you and I came back briefly for Niamh’s wedding.”  I smiled, remembering how happy she was on that day.  “That was a really nice day, wasn’t it?  It almost felt like we were normal, for once.”  I laughed impersonally at my own jest.

“You know, Jade, one day you’re going to have to face what happened that night.”  Danny suggested, suddenly serious.

“Not now, Dan.  My memory didn’t even get past the explosion without a sense of panic.  I would hate to think if was reliving the whole thing over again.”  I muttered.

“Don’t you relive the rest of it on every mission?  Every time you take a human life?”  Danny accused.  I knew he was right.

“Just say what you are wanting to say, Danny.”  I stated, calmly.  I knew where this was going, but for once, I welcomed it.

“I think the part that you don’t want to face is the fact that you were happy once, Jade.  And I’m not just talking about you and me.  You lost yourself that night, Jade.  I just can’t figure out if you are trying to completely forget about who you used to be, or if you’re pissed off that you aren’t her anymore.”  He avowed.

“I wish I could answer that.  But I don’t even know the answer myself.”  Did I just admit to that?  Danny, too, looked at me in surprise.

“Either way, girl, I’m just going to get this off of my chest while we’re on the subject.”  He began again. “I relive that night every single evening before I go to sleep.  But you know what, I don’t see all the death, the destruction, the… mistakes.”  I winced at that word.  “You want to know what it is that that memory gives me?  Hope.  It’s a glimpse of what we had… and what we could possibly have again someday.”  The words hit me like a knife, but he didn’t let me dwell on it too long.

“Now come on, Jade, let’s head back to go get Airika. From the looks of things, we’re going to be heading into Syndrick very soon.”  He said as he looked up into the night sky.  I followed his gaze to see that the stars were fading away into what seemed like a dawn-like atmosphere.  Knowing that it was still way too early for it to be daybreak, I concluded that it was the bright lights from the city that made the heavens fade away to nothingness. 

As we stood there gawking at the night sky, rows of brilliant lit arches began shooting overhead, blinding us with every instant in which they passed.

“We’re passing through the gates, Jade.  Welcome back to the city.”  At once, the lights were so strong that I couldn’t look through the glass ceiling any longer.  And for that reason alone, Danny and I left the conservatory in a hurry.  I said a silent goodbye to the stars as I closed the door behind me, knowing it would be too long before I would see them shine again.  As Danny led the way through the now empty dining car, I heard Airika’s panicked voice calling out, awakening me from my farewells.

“Danny! Danny!  I’m so sorry!  Ooooh, please don’t be mad!  I lost Jade!  Something really upset her and she said she needed to talk to you and I haven’t seen her since!  I am really worried, Dan!  I have never seen her like that!  I’m so sorry!”  She was rattling off like a fire alarm – full of urgency and panic, not to mention the similarities between a siren and the high pitch sound of her shrill screaming.

I peeked around Danny to see the poor girl bent over with her hands on her knees, gasping for breath.  I’m not sure if it was from running all over the train looking for me or from the jarring anxiety attack we had just witnessed.  Either way, the guilt consumed me at that instant, knowing the terror I had caused her.  I went to say something to make it known that I was there, but Danny beat me to it.

“Airika, Jade’s okay.”  He muttered the words, hoping that what he said was true – he had just dealt me one hell of a blow to my emotional state after all.  Airika looked up from the floor and met my gaze with wide, teary eyes.  She didn’t say a word but she shoved past Danny and threw her arms around me in a tight squeeze.  Though no words escaped her lips, her hug said it all: I’m glad you’re okay, but don’t you ever do that to me again!

“Excuse me, but the passengers are departing from the train.”  One of the cleanup crew members muttered from behind me as he made his way up the aisle, cleaning up the scraps from what was left of those delicious-looking meals from before.

As we made our way to the exit of the train, I felt the cool night air sweep through the cabins.  The atmosphere was much icier here, and not only in temperature.  I didn’t sense the fresh crispness that I had grown accustomed to in the past 5 years.  No, this smelt of electricity and machinery.  It was a putrid smell and it made my stomach flop in apprehension.  How much could Syndrick have changed in just 5 years?

Then I stepped off of the train and into excruciating turmoil.  It was as if we had somehow stepped from the outside world and into the inner workings of a computer – full of circuit boards and CPUs.  The lights from all of the towers were blinding.  The hum of electricity coursing through the city was deafening.  The overall shock of how technology had taken over this place was devastating.  And the urge to destroy it all was overpowering.

S.L.J.V. - Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

An Indecisive Decision

I didn’t go skydiving.  Big surprise there.  But, for now, I’m over my rant of disappointment.  Life isn’t so bad, ya know, just really confusing.  Maybe I’m just too greedy, wanting things in life that just aren’t possible.  Or, maybe I just finally want more out of life is all it is.  Either way, it is a long road ahead full of risks I just don’t want to take.  But if no one were to take risks, would anyone truly live? Life is too short to live in fear of the unknown.  I keep telling myself that over and over, but I’m not very good at applying that advice to my own life.

I remember about 9 years ago my parents took a risk.  When I was growing up, we had all lived in a small town out in the middle of nowhere.  Even though it was nothing like where I live now, it was still an inconvenience to have neighbors and traffic.  My dad’s dream, his whole life, was to move out into the woods and make a living off the land.  He probably would’ve been a mountain man had he never married my mom and had a family.  I could just picture my dad with the big burly beard, the plaid shirt and suspenders.  And even though the beard isn’t a reality, occasionally the shirt and suspenders are.

Because of the risk they took and the dream he had, I got to live a total of 6 years in the middle of 14 acres of wooded land.  I remember that they were hesitant at first, but my grandfather, (the one that told me about octopus soup), told them that if they didn’t take a risk now, they never would.  And so they did – and they succeeded.  That same grandpa told me that he always knew that if I set my mind to something, I could do it.  I suppose that’s how I got to Ireland and Italy.  But those are easy choices to me.  If someone comes up to me and says

‘hey, do you want to go to Egypt with me?’ there would be this split second of hmm… do I want to go experience a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or stay at home and wish I had?  That’s a hard decision for me – yeah right. 

I suppose it’s just the long term decisions that get to me, the ones with an uncertain future.  I mean, growing up I had always swore 2 things: 1. I would travel to Ireland and 2. I would live on the east coast.  Well, I’ve achieved one of those 3 times now.  How many times do I need to travel to Ireland until I move on to the second task? Apparently more than 3, I guess, because I still live in Ohio. 

The thing is that there are many good things about living where we do now.  My husband and I both have good jobs with decent pay.  I’m even in my 3^rd year of teaching and the art program is finally developing.  We are within 3 hours to both of our families.  I mean, these are all good things.  But here lately it just hasn’t been enough.  I just turned 25 two months ago and ever since then, I’ve almost felt trapped.  I’m ready to move on completely.  I want to relocate, I want to start a family, I want to make friends, and I may even want a new career choice.  I don’t even know which of these would make me feel better.  But I do know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Ohio.  I’m just not happy here.  The only thing that does make me happy here is that we are close to our families.  But I suppose just because I move doesn’t mean I’ll never see them again.

I’m walking back over from the middle school, thinking it all through.  I’m enjoying the fall rain shower, but not enjoying how damn cold it is.  At least today, for once, I have my umbrella.  Today it’s so quiet, or that’s just because I’ve just left a class full of 25 seventh graders – anything seems quiet after that.  As I walk, I listen to the cold drops as they splash off of my oversized umbrella.  The muddy gravel under my feet squishes as it shifts with my weight as I dodge the rivers of mud pouring out from the construction site between the two schools.  They’re building a new middle school now.  Last year was the first year in the new high school as well.  And no, our school didn’t just have extra money and they wanted to build new schools.  Hell no, this school district is far from have an extra 50 cents to spend.  What’s really going on is that the last building (the building I still currently teach in 2 periods out of the day) is completely and totally plague-ridden with mold.  But that’s not true according to the board.

With that aside, I get back to my classroom.  The nasty smell of chemical cleaner burns my nose as I walk in.  They have the janitor clean my room while I’m at the middle school.  I don’t mind it, but I almost feel infringed upon when I return – for lack of better words.  I walk in and take a glimpse at my board to see what notes and drawings the kids from my Drawing class have left me today.  Today there is an elaborate sketch on the white board of a cartoony classroom of kids with a ‘jock’ pointing and laughing at a ‘loser.’ 

The student responsible had explained this to me in the junior high (he’s my teacher’s aide during part of the time that I’m over there).  Apparently he’s moved on to social commentary in his artwork.  He says that that’s all that the society is nowadays.  I tell him that society has so many problems with it that we didn’t have time to peg them all.  This is coming from the same student that recently drew a blue-footed booby for his animal drawing because of its name.  He would go around squawking, saying it was his ‘booby-call.”  It’s good to see him maturing, even if it is just a glimpse of it.

The sad part is, that even though it is a quick sketchy cartoon, it has so much potential.  He is a good artist, but he just won’t take it seriously.  A while back he told me he was interested in being a cartoonist.  Shortly after, he wanted to be an art teacher.  Now… well, now he says he’s not going to college because it’s too expensive.  I tried to persuade him for a while to not give up; that there are many ways to pay for student loans.  But he turned all that into a game as well.  So I just gave up.  Why try and convince a stubborn student that’s made up his mind when I can’t even convince myself to live a life that makes me happy.

And here’s the kicker – my husband and I agreed on leaving, moving to the coast somewhere (he says Virginia and the Carolinas, I say more like Connecticut and Massachusetts).  It’s just we don’t have the guts to take the risk, to take that initial jump and plunge into the deep end with the cannonball of a lifetime. 

S.L.J.V. - Chapter 6

Chapter Six

And Then There Were Three

I was laying on the hard ground, half covered in dirt.  The earth smelled of fire and blood.  I was afraid to open my eyes for what I would see, but I did it anyway.  My eyes were difficult to open for it seemed that they had been glued shut with the matter of a long nights sleep.  My eyelashes cracked as I finally caught a fuzzy glimpse of the world. 

I was on the battlefield and I couldn’t see the sky for all of the smoke and fire.  It was a barren wasteland with death all around.  I went to get up, but couldn’t move my body.  What had happened to me?  I could move my eyes, but the rest of me was numb, paralyzed; I felt absolutely nothing.  For all I knew, my entire lower half was missing, but I couldn’t move to check.

Out of the corner of my vision, I finally saw some movement.  It looked as though someone was getting up from the rubble and making their way towards me.  That’s not someone, you idiot, that is something!  My inner voice screamed, causing me to realize that an A.I. soldier was headed in my direction.  It was like it knew I was awake and it made a B-line for my unresponsive body.  I tried to scream out – to do anything.  But there was nothing I could do.  It approached me, its eyes piercing through me like hot magma.  Then it reached out with its metallic hand to touch my face…

As the hand touched my skin, I was startled awake.  I was still in a panic from the delusion and I was immediately struggling to break free of my oppressor.  At least my body was moving again.

“Hey, girl, calm down.  You were dreaming.”  A familiar whisper caused me to take a deep breath and lay back on my pillow.  When my mind finally settled, I looked up at Dan to meet his soft eyes.  Then I realized I wasn’t on a pillow at all, but instead, I had been lying on Dan’s thighs this entire time.  Had I slept there all night? The sad part is that I don’t even remember falling asleep.  Please tell me things didn’t get out of hand last night.

“Come on girl, let’s go make some coffee.  I know we’ll all need it this morning.”  Dan whispered, putting his arms under my shoulders to help me up.  I sat up slowly, my back still relying on his arms, and then the headache hit.  I closed my eyes again to try and steady the pain, but it wasn’t working.  Danny must have known what was going on for he put both of his thumbs against the base of my skull and tried to rub the pain away. 

“Jade, let’s go get you some coffee.”  He whispered in my ear as he made his way off of the bed.  He held out a hand to help me up.  Normally, I would’ve refused it, but I really needed help this morning.  I stood up beside him and the room shifted a bit, causing me to sway in the slightest bit.  Danny noticed, giving him a reason to hold my hand just a bit tighter.  I hated feeling helpless.

As he guided me out of the dorm, I saw Airika passed out on the floor.  She had a blanket over top of her and in her arms she was clutching an empty bottle of coconut rum like it was a stuffed animal.  Great, we didn’t just stop with the whiskey.

We made our way to the kitchen – the light was already on from who knows when.  The light made me squint as we entered the room.  I glanced around to see that the familiar cabinet above the refrigerator was wide open and all of the bottles were gone – except for the wine.  I knew no one in their right mind would be out here drinking fucking Sangiovese.  I laughed to myself.  Dan cleared off some of the bottles from the countertop and pulled me over to it.  Next thing I knew, he had his hands on my waist and he was lifting me onto the cleared space.

“You just relax there, girl.”  He smiled as he let go of me and pulled the coffee pot out of another cupboard.  I watched him intently as he poured the water in the side of the maker and positioned the filter in place.  He was overly calm, almost cheerful this morning.  Oh dear Lord…

“Do you want your coffee black this morning, Jade?”  He questioned nonchalantly. 

“What happened last night?”  I inquired a bit annoyed, ignoring his question.

“Oh man.  Okay, black it is.  Stronger the better for memory loss, am I right?”  He laughed as he put quite a few scoops into the maker and started it up. 

“I’m not kidding, Dan.  What the hell happened that you are so smiley this morning?”  I raised my voice and immediately was sorry for it for a sharp stab ran through the front of my head.  Trying to recover from the sting, I completely missed the fact that Dan had walked over and put his hands on the counter on both sides of me.  But when I opened my eyes, he was right there staring into them with those sea foam irises, a little too close for comfort.

“I didn’t know that my mood was that obvious.  But since it bothers you so much that I’m happy, I’ll be sure to explain why.”  He said jokingly.  I went to protest his latter comment, but he beat me to it with a fingertip to my lips.

“You asked, so the least you can do is be courteous enough to listen to the answer.  Let’s just say that even with all of the shit that happened last night, it was still one of the best nights of my life.”  Great… what in the hell did I do?  “Not only did we clear out the alcohol cupboard last night and get just plain shit-faced for the first time in ages, but when we finally decided to go to sleep, you came over and gave me hug then snuggled up against me.  Now, whether you had meant all that or not, either way, I got to watch you sleep on my legs until I drifted off to sleep.  Then when I finally woke up, your face was right there again, as peaceful as ever.  And it got me to thinking that last night you showed me a glimpse of how much you really did care for me, girl.”  When he was finished, he just stood there leaning over me, waiting for my defense.  Of course, it wasn’t in my nature to disappoint his anticipation.

“Listen Dan, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.  You know I have no control over what I do when I’m pissed-drunk.”  I remained calm, just getting the point across – a point that Danny knew long ago.  At least I had never overstepped my boundaries while I was drunk.

“It’s not what you did while you were drunk that got me thinking, Jade.  It was before all that shit happened last night.”  Okay, now I’m just confused.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Danny.”  I spoke, still trying to recall any instances before the fight that would’ve made him get the wrong idea.

“When you came looking for me when the gunfire started.”  He stated.

“Danny, honey, I came after you because you are my friend and my partner.  I came after you as a soldier.”  I simply explained, feeling sorry for the fact that he had thought it was more.

“Girl, a soldier would’ve made sure she was armed before running into battle like that.”  I had no retaliation for that one.  I still didn’t know why I had run out there on my own, unarmed.  It’s because I was stupid.  When he saw that I had no comeback for his assumptions, he smiled.

“Well at least that is a glimpse of light at the end of a long, black tunnel.”  He muttered.  “Speaking of black, I think the coffee is done.”  He left my space on the counter and went over to get two coffee mugs.

“Careful, girl, it’s hot.”  He chuckled a bit as he handed me the cup, knowing too well that I would probably burn my tongue like I always do.  He was back into his jovial mood again and it annoyed the hell out of me.  And it wasn’t that I didn’t want him to be happy.  It was just that I didn’t want him to be happy on the account of some form of miscommunication between the two of us.  I didn’t want him to get his hopes up to just have them come crashing down on him like a ton of bricks.  I hated when that happened, and it always ended up in a huge fight between the two of us.  There was too much going on right now, too much at stake, to be worried about emotions and relationships that will never develop.  And I got tired of always defending that my sentiments for him were like what I would have for my family, my best friend, or my partner.  Because in the end, to me, he was all three of those. 

We sat in awkward silence for what seemed like forever.  I just stared at the floor as I slowly sipped my strong cup of coffee.  I kept feeling his eyes on me as he leaned up against the counter opposite to me.  I refused to meet his gaze.

“Jade, girl, come on now, don’t make things more awkward than they already are.  I didn’t mean to bring up the obvious, but that doesn’t mean things have to get all weird between us.  You could at least look at me, girl.”  He was trying so hard to snap me out of the funk he had put me in.  But I just couldn’t shake what he had pointed out to me.

“I just don’t’ know why I did it.”  I whispered to my mug as I set it in my lap.  Dan sat his mug on the countertop he was leaning against and walked over to me.  He placed his fingers under my chin and forced me to look at him. 

“Sometimes we don’t know why we do the things we do.  We just do them and hope for the best.”  He muttered as he leaned in towards me in another fateful attempt.  I didn’t want to push him away now that I had him back as himself again, but why did he always have to push it?  I placed my hand on his chest to stop him, but I don’t think he took it as an attempt to hinder what was taking place.

“Dan.” I whispered, my breath returning back to my lips after hitting his.  He was too close.  Come on Jade, emotions aside you need to do something! 

“Hope I’m not interrupting you two.”  A groggy voice sounded from the doorway followed by a sleepy yawn.  Danny jumped and pulled back while I, on the other hand was extremely relieved.  His advances were getting to be too much for me to handle.  I mean, I couldn’t even shove him away this time because I didn’t want us fighting again.

He walked over and grabbed a third mug and poured Airika a cup of coffee and handed it to her.  I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or pissed, but he definitely wasn’t his jovial self from before. 

“Sorry, I can leave if you guys want some privacy.”  Airika giggled to herself as she took a sip of the hot caffeine.  She was like an impish child standing in the doorway with her shit-eating-grin on her face.  Her black and blue hair was matted down against her head and the dried blood didn’t improve the matter.  With her childlike character I about half expected her to be in pajama bottoms with, I don’t know, penguins all over them.  To my surprise though she stood in the entry wearing her blood-stained tank top and a pair of black hip huggers.  I laughed to myself at her lack of pants as well as her lack of concern on the matter.

“No, it’s fine.”  I muttered nonchalantly hoping not to offend Dan, but at the same time, not wanting to be left alone with him. 

“Yeah, I uh, need to make us some transportation arrangements anyway.”  Danny stammered as he rubbed the back of his head and proceeded to take his cup of coffee out of the kitchen. 

Airika and I sat in silence for a little while.  I’m not sure if it was embarrassment that I was feeling but I know that I didn’t like being seen like that.  Who knew what Airika would assume because of the scene she had walked in on.  And just to confirm my apprehensions, she began to snicker into her cup.

“So, uh, you and Danny, huh?”  She finally threw out into the open as she loudly slurped some of the hot liquid.

“No, Airika, and I don’t want to talk about it.”  I got up and put my empty cup in the sink.  I wasn’t mad that she had asked, I was just sick of the subject.  I started to leave the kitchen, but Airika was blocking the doorway.

“Where are you going, Jadey-Lady?”  Airika asked playfully, blowing bubbles in her drink.

“I’m getting a shower.  For some reason the idea of traveling while smelling like blood and alcohol doesn’t really appeal to me.”  I chortled, trying to lighten the mood again as I left the kitchen and made my way back to the locker rooms for a much needed shower.

The hot water felt really good on my skin, washing away the dried blood and mud.  I’m not quite sure why none of us took a shower the night before.  I suppose with all that had happened our minds were in another place.  I closed my eyes and revisited the numerous scenes from the previous night.  I saw the faces of the men I had killed flash before me.  I saw that technician lying on the floor, screaming out in pain as I doomed him to his death as well.  Then I heard the echoes of Jared and Quentin discussing the supposed casualties. 

…the A.I.s are much more valuable, not to mention much more expensive, than a human soldier… if we were to send in the A.I.s, these rebel bastards wouldn’t think twice about destroying them… they would actually feel right destroying them.  In the case of a human soldier though, now that’s actually taking a human life.  Not only would the soldiers of this faction think twice about killing them, which may give us the split second needed to destroy them, but it also wears on them over time…

I opened my eyes to stare blankly at the white tile of the shower stall.  Lately it seemed like the more I killed, the more I saw those faces before me.  Were the past 8 years beginning to wear on me?

Picture a sandstone on the beach, with every crashing wave, no matter how small, a little speck of sand disappears from it.  Over time, that stone will erode to nothing but specks of sand, a mere molecule of its former self.  If they are so inclined to save the human race, then let the deaths they cause erode at them in the process.  Maybe at some point, they’ll come to their senses and stop this bullshit.

I held up my hands to see the mud and blood wash out from under my fingernails.  And though it was an illusion, it seemed as though I was the one being washed away down that shower drain.

“Enjoying your shower?”  I heard Airika’s voice call over as another shower started up next to me.

“Yeah.”  I answered half-heartedly, still caught up in the lingering questions in the back of my mind.

“Hey, I think when we’re done, I’m gonna need ya to patch up this hole in my head.  I think it opened itself up again.”  Airika called out again laughing at the irony in her words.

“No problem.  I’ll take care of it.”  I laughed back.  That girl was just too funny.

Slowly, I drifted back into my subconscious thoughts.   This time I was revisiting a time that was much further back in my past. 

Eight years seems so long ago…  I was 17 years old and working with my older sister, Niamh, at one of the Luddite facilities.  I was still new to the faction and still trying to find my place there.  Meanwhile, I was just assisting Niamh with her job.  Before the resistance began, she was enlisted in the Air Force as a weapons repair and maintenance officer.  When all hell broke loose, she left the military to join the Luddites, keeping her same title.  Shortly after leaving the military, word got back to the government that she had gone rogue, and though the government denies it, this led directly to the deaths of my parents.

Being only 17, I had nowhere else to go.  Not to mention I was so full of anger against the government that I didn’t have much of a choice than to join my sister for the cause.  During the first few months I was assigned mainly to cleaning guns.  Soon after, I was able to move up to testing and inspecting the weapons.  That’s how all of this began. 

I was in the shooting range late one night testing out a recently repaired M16A4 rifle.  I had been getting really good at aiming the past couple of weeks and at this point, I was barely outside the center target.  I had just finished a round, hit the target retract, and was reloading the weapon as I waited for the target to reach me.

“I haven’t seen you around here before, are you new?”  A male voice startled me, making me spin around to aim the gun at him.  Call it instincts, call it panic, call it an act of stupidity; whatever you call it, it got me where I am today.

“Whoa, easy there, girl.”  The boy put his hands up in the air in surrender.  He was probably my age, maybe a couple of years older, but his sea foam eyes showed a maturity I’d never seen in a teenage boy before. 

“Ugh… right.  I’m Danny.”  He muttered with his hands still in the air.  “I swear, I’m not here to hurt you, girl.”  He sort of laughed.  Then I realized the gun was still pointed in his direction and I quickly lowered the barrel, a little embarrassed.  I sat the gun down on the shelf as my target finally reached me.  Danny reached over my shoulder and grabbed the results and examined them before I had a chance to even look at them.

“Damn girl, you’re a good shot.”  He turned the target around and pressed it up against his own body, matching the silhouette with his own figure.  “Yeah, I think I’d be dead.”  He laughed, referring to the repetitive shots in his chest.  I laughed under my breath, not sure how to take this guy, but I think I kind of liked him.  There was a bit of an awkward silence then, I never knew what to say.  I guess I might have been a little shy back then, something I soon grew out of.

“So…uh… are you new to the soldier unit?”  Dan murmured, rubbing the back of his head in awkwardness.

“No, I work for my sister.  She is in charge of the weapons repair and maintenance unit down the hall.”  I said matter-of-factly. 

“Ah, you’re Niamh’s sister then?”  Danny exclaimed – a light going off behind his eyes. 

“Uh, yeah.”  I muttered.

“Well damn girl, by the looks of this target you shouldn’t be wasting your talent cleaning and testing the guns.”  He declared.  “You should be using them in combat or something – like what I’m training for.”  He said cheerfully, almost excited.  “You should talk to Jameson first thing in the morning.”  I had heard Jameson’s name before, but had never actually met the man.  Normally, I only heard my sister talk about him when she was under a time crunch.  “I can just hear Jameson breathing down my neck in the morning.”  She would mutter to herself while she had a lot to get done and a short amount of time to get it done. 

“So what do ya say, girl?”  Danny’s question brought me back to reality.

“My name is Jade.”  I stated firmly, somewhat tired of being called ‘girl.’ 

My memory began to fade into a fog.  It took me a little while to realize that it was steam clouding my vision and not my flashbacks.  How long had I been in here?  I listened closely, realizing that Airika had left already.  “Man, I hate when I do that.”  I muttered to myself as I finished washing and turned off the shower.  I wrapped a towel around me and went to look for Airika, and some clean clothes.  Seeing that she was long gone from the locker room, I began to search around for something clean to wear.  I found my jeans that I had hung up to dry yesterday and a black tank top that was a little too tight, but it would have to do.  Great this is all I need to do, just show a little more cleavage and Danny would be absolutely unbearable.  I thought sarcastically to myself as I pulled the too-tight shirt down over my breasts.  Just be a little more forceful against him, that’s all.  My inner thoughts reminded me.  Then, as if he knew I was talking about him, I heard Danny’s voice echo through the locker room.

“So what do you suggest that I do, Airika?”  Danny droned on as if they had been talking for quite a while.  I could tell they were out in the training room, probably waiting on me.  I made my way to the door and leaned against the wall just inside the locker room.  I wanted to hear what they had to say.

“Ouch!  Dan, could you stop with your love life long enough for you to pay attention to what you’re doing?  That hurt!”  I heard Airika’s high-pitched squeal echo out.

“Sorry, I haven’t done stitches in a while.”  Danny apologized.  Man, I must have been in the shower much longer than I thought if Airika had found someone else to tend to her injury. 

“It’s okay, Danny.  Now, about Jade, I don’t know what to tell you.”  She stated.  “I mean, I actually thought you two were already an item.  I mean, you’ve been together for what, like 5 years or something?”  She alleged.

“It’s been 7 years now, going on 8.  And it seems like we should be together, right?”  He began his whining again.  At least it was to someone else this time instead of me.

“No, I definitely agree with ya there, Danny-Boy.  I was actually surprised when I asked Jade about you two and she got all offended and shit.”  She paused for a minute.  “Then… why aren’t you together?  I mean it’s unquestionable that you really care for her.  And I know for a fact that she cares about you…”  She began.

“That’s the thing!”  Danny exclaimed, a little too loudly.  “I know she loves me and you know she loves me, but she just can’t see it.”

“Now, I wouldn’t go as far to say that she loves you.  She may in time, but love is such a strong word, Dan.  Get her to admit how much she likes you first.  Now, have you at least kissed her?”  Airika continued to pry.

“I’ve tried.  I’ve kissed every part of her except for her lips.”  He complained referring to the many times I had dodged his lips.

“Every part?”  Airika chuckled, taking what he had said in a completely perverted fashion.

“Airika!”  He yelled out, embarrassed.  He and I both knew that he would if he could and that was just the type of thing I was trying to prevent.

“Listen Dan, you want my advice?  Then here it is…”  She paused, serious all of a sudden.  This ought to be good.  “Just back off for a while.  The more you push her, the more you‘re going to push her away.  I promise you that she will come around eventually.  Just, ya know, let her emotions catch up all right?”  Well, I guess I would agree with the first part of her advice.  But the part about me coming around and letting my emotions catch up – complete and total bullshit.  Emotions were what made us weak and vulnerable.  I had let my emotions get in the way once before and it led to many unnecessary deaths.  That was a mistake I would never let happen again.

“Okay, well, you’re done.  I’m going to go confirm final transportation arrangements and we’ll be ready to get out of here.  I suggest stocking up on some weaponry and preparing for departure.”  Dan was speaking as an officer again.  I just wondered how long, if at all, he would take Airika’s advice.  And the worst part is that at one point, I thought I did like Danny, back when I was young and dumb.  I had let myself become consumed with emotions.  It was the biggest mistake of my life.

“Well, Jadey-Lady, did you like what you heard?”  Airika’s quiet voice startled me as she stood in the doorway staring right at me. 

“You knew I was listening?”  I inquired, meeting her steel-blue stare.

“I figured you would be.  It never fails ya know, start talking about someone and they are sure to hear ya.”  She smiled, turning around and making her way back to the armory. “Well, then you heard Danny’s orders then, right?” 

Airika was acting kind of strange, almost cold it seemed.  I had wondered if I had offended her by listening in on their conversation.

“Hey, sorry for eavesdropping.”  I stammered an apology.  I really was sorry, but if she had known all along that I was there, then why would she be offended by it?

“Ah, you’re fine.”  She brushed off as if it was nothing and began sorting through the equipment storage.  But I could tell something was bothering her.

“So what’s up then?  Something’s bothering you.”  I alleged. 

“For someone that is so unaware of her own emotions, you sure are quick to pick up on everyone else’s.”  She said rather coldly and then suddenly, she had a change of heart.  “Oh! I’m sorry, Jadey-Lady, I just hate being the middle man… middle woman… whatever the hell it is that I am!”  She thrust herself down on one of the empty wooden crates and then motioned for me to come and sit next to her.  I had a feeling I knew what I was walking into, but I sat next to her nonetheless.

“I’m really sorry I snapped like that, it’s not like me at all.  It’s just that he really cares for you Jade.  I mean, he really, really cares for you.  And what I don’t get is that everything you say and do points out that you feel the same way for him Jade.”  I went to protest, but didn’t get a word out before a palm was in my face hushing me.  “I don’t want to hear any excuses about it.  I just don’t understand what happened between you two that keeps you guys in this constant battle with yourselves.  And I’m not just talking about how you aren’t in touch with your feelings Jade, but I don’t know if you know what kind of battle Dan is going through too.  At some point in the past 8 years, you’ve shown him some sign that gave him hope.  You showed him some part of you that was at least capable of love.  I just don’t know what happened that made it go away.”  Airika had rambled off again, her inner thoughts being thought out loud.  And though it seemed like a jumbled mess, I followed along perfectly.

“You two about ready to go?”  I heard Danny shout from down the hall.  “Pack light, we’re taking public transportation into the city.”  He continued as he made his way through the armory door.

“I’m still taking my grenades!”  Airika called out in refutation.

“Another time.”  I whispered to Airika as I got up.  I wasn’t ready to explain my life away at just that moment.  But in time, I think that she would be the only one I could trust with the truth, besides Danny of course.  Not that he didn’t know it all already anyway – after all, he had been there to experience the whole thing alongside me.

“So, don’t tell me we’re taking a bus again.”  Airika grumpily mumbled as she got up from the crate.  I could tell she was trying to distract Danny’s questioning looks as to why both of us were so morose.

“Nah, we have about a mile hike to the train station just down the valley.  We should get there in time to get our tickets and catch the 1200 all the way into the heart of Syndrick.  We probably won’t get there before nightfall, but they are aware that we are alive and on our way.”  He continued on, but all Airika heard was…

“We’re going on a TRAIN!?”