Chapter Eight
A Bittersweet Memory
I heard the hum of the tracks as the train took off at high speed. This train we were on was an older model than the ones found in the city, but it still gets about 300km to the hour – nothing compared to the trains in the city, but still pretty damn fast nonetheless. Surprisingly, for being on country terrain I felt like we weren’t even moving. But the mere fact that we were moving, even if I didn’t feel it, made me want to sleep. And at this thought, I yawned.
“Sleepy Jadey-Lady?” Airika chimed in, echoing a yawn herself. All three of us were in one of the private compartments, shut off from the rest of the passengers. There were three cushioned benches that made up the little room. I sat on one, Danny sat across from me, and Airika was laying upside down on the one between us. Her bare feet were up above her making footprints on the glass of the window, while her head dangled off of the seat and to the floor.
“Yeah.” I sighed in a half answer. “I could just take a nap.”
“That sounds like a good idea. I think I could join you.” Airika muttered as she twirled her body around, sprawling out on her bench, trying to get comfy. I wasn’t completely serious when I had mentioned sleeping; I don’t normally take naps during the day. But I was really tired. I guess the previous few days had caught up with me.
Making up my mind, I turned and put my feet up on the cushion and laid my head down upon my crossed arms. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but i knew I could be asleep in no time.
“Need a pillow?” Danny whispered across small space.
“I think I’ll be okay without your boney thighs under my head.” I laughed. It was good to see him at least trying to be his old self again. But like I had said before, who knew how long it would last. For all I knew, after I fell asleep he would sit there staring at me like he had admitted to doing before.
“Well, if I’m not needed, I think I’ll go get some fresh air. No need to sit here and torcher myself with two hot vulnerable women in the same compartment as me.” He teased as he got up and slide the door shut behind him. I smiled as I began to close my eyes. Some things will never change.
“Is he gone? Man, I thought he’d never leave.” Airika sprang up from her ‘bed’ and crawled over to sit on the floor beside where I was laying.
“Wait… what are you doing?” I was startled by her sudden change in disposition.
“Well, I thought you could tell me what happened with you and Danny. I’ve been dying to know since you mentioned it. And you did promise to tell me later.” She murmured sheepishly.
“But… I was really planning on resting.” I moaned, trying to wake myself back up.
“Jadey-Lady…but you promised.” She whimpered in defeat. I laid there for a while, not moving an inch. Then, as I closed my eyes, the memories began to flood the empty darkness behind my eyelids, painting a vivid remembrance on an empty canvas.
I had been in training for nearly 4 months now alongside Danny. As it turns out, he knew what he was talking about when he said that I would be a good soldier. Who knew that I would excel so well. It was determined shortly after I started my drills that Danny and I were compatible in fighting styles, weaponry, and overall skills and attitude. Looking back now, we were probably a little too compatible, and probably still are to this day.
I had just turned 18 two days prior to the incident. To me, it was just another day. Niamh surprised me with a large lemon cupcake, which devoured in minutes. But she was the only one who knew, and that was fine with me. There was no need to make a big deal out of nothing when there were bigger things on our plate. It’s funny how I still remember the taste of that dessert. But then again, memories like that don’t happen too often anymore.
I remember that the incident happened on a Tuesday. I was up in what we deemed the ‘crow’s nest’ of our complex in Syndrick. It was a lookout of sorts and tonight was my night to keep watch for suspicious activity. It was late, dark, with no stars or moon in the sky. It had been raining most of the day, but now, only the empty clouds remained, forming a gloomy comforter over the dimly-lit city.
Back then, Syndrick was still emerging from a town into a city, and though I haven’t been there in a few years, I here that the place has really taken off. Man, has it really been 5 years since I’d visited the admired city of Syndrick? I guess I should be a little more excited to being going ‘home’ – the place where all this began.
As I sat in the bench in the lookout tower, my senses were alive. It could have been because it was night, it could have been because of the recent rainstorm still lingering on the wind, or it could have been the shear thrill of filling the duty of a real soldier. No matter what it was, I sat there, motionless, observing the night, listening for every little sound. It wasn’t hard to miss the clunking of boots up the metal stairwell just inside the door behind me.
I figured it was just one of the soldiers coming to check up on me, but either way, my pistol was aimed at the door when it opened.
“Jeez, girl, can you think of a better way to greet me?” Danny shouted out jokingly as he came through the opening. I holstered my gun as he sat down beside me, squeezing up against me in the tight space. I smiled a little on the inside. I knew that Danny was my partner, but something about him drew me in like a moth to a light. I was 18, what did I know anyway? And it wasn’t like I was the only one caught up in the attraction, for an uncontrollable, hopeless flirting had initiated between us for the past month or so. We really liked each other and we both knew it.
“So, shoot anyone yet tonight?” He joked, nudging a shoulder against me.
“Not yet. But if distract me from my post I can change that.” I threatened with an empty promise and a smile. We both laughed in a hushed tone and then we fell silent. It was times like these when things got a little awkward. It was always like we were waiting for the next step, but neither of us would make the first move. As an 18 year old woman, I was begging for him to take a leap.
“So, I hear you had a birthday over the weekend.” Danny muttered, breaking the silence. Niamh must have told him…
“Yeah, I did. I’m 18 now, so I’m legal.” We laughed again. If we didn’t have anything else, we had our humor.
“Well that’s good, because I got you something.” Danny laughed, but getting a little serious too. Now why the hell would he get me something for my birthday? But before I could ask him, the clouds, which I had thought were empty, opened up again and began to pour the rest of their bladders on us. Cloud pee… seriously?
“Come on, girl, get inside!” Danny shouted out against the suddenly violent shower, grabbing my hand and pulling me just inside the stairwell. We were soaked through.
“Danny, I really should get back out there. I’m on duty, remember? And now my post has been abandoned. I could get in a lot of trouble.” I protested, reaching back for the door handle that would lead back outside into the rain.
“Come on, Jade, I think it will be okay. There’s no point in you staying out there in that mess to watch out for an enemy that never shows their face.” Danny objected, grabbing my hand away from the door. “Not to mention, you’re freezing, girl.” He muttered as he pulled me against him in a warm embrace. I hadn’t realized how cold I really was until I was wrapped in his warmth. It felt so nice that I never wanted to move again.
“Now, about that birthday present, right?” He whispered in my ear as he straightened back up, releasing me from his hold. He reached in his pocket and pulled something from within, keeping it hidden in his fist.
“And before you even ask, no, it’s not lemon cake.” He snickered. Then he took my hand in his and dropped the object inside, still not letting me see it, for now it was my own fist that was grasped within his. Then finally, as if he felt the time was right, he let my hand go and nodded for me to open my fist.
Inside my palm was a silver chain with a swirling Celtic knot on the end. A necklace. And a beautiful piece of jewelry at that. But, it was too much.
“Danny, I can’t take thi…” I was cut off by a finger to my lips.
“I want you to have this. It’s my gift to you.” The he put his hand behind his head in a nervous fashion. “You don’t even have to wear if you don’t want to.” He chuckled timidly then suddenly got serious again. “But I would really like it if you would. You see, I want this to show something between us.” He paused, looking for the right words as I anxiously awaited what he was getting at. “If you wear this, Jade, then you’re displaying that you’re mine.” Another pause. “But not that you’re mine possessively.” He quickly recovered. “It’s just that…” I could tell he was getting frustrated with himself. “I did practice this speech I swear.” He laughed, to relieve some of the anxiety.
“Just breathe, Danny, and just say what you’re trying to say.” I comforted him as I placed my free hand on his arm.
“It’s just that I really like you, girl. And I thought that when you wear that, you could be secretly saying that you liked me too.” He finally got it out of his system. “I mean, you don’t have to, Jade. I guess I just thought that…” This time it was my turn to shut him up.
“Just stop mumbling, Dan.” I spoke softly, kindly as I placed the necklace back in his hand. I could see his heart drop behind his eyes – he had no idea that I had already made my decision. “Now, could you please help me put it on?” I smiled through my words as I turned and lifted my hair out of the way.
He didn’t say anything for a while, but I could feel the hesitation in the air. Perhaps he was just astonished that all this was just that easy, or he was still processing what I had just said. Then, out of nowhere, I felt cold shaking hands brush against my neck as he laced the chain around me. He fumbled with the clasp for only a moment and then finally it was fastened. The Celtic charm dangled low on my chest, but it was a beautiful addition. Perhaps it was so beautiful because I knew what it symbolized, and for once in my life, I was truly content.
I felt his fingertips linger on the back of my neck, they were unsure, nervous – I could tell he didn’t know what to do or how far to go with this instant. Now me, on the other hand, I think I would have gone for just about anything at that moment. Little did he know that he had me wrapped around his fingers in a triple knot.
Then he finally made his decision. I felt his hot breath against the base of my neck and it sent chills through my whole body. I shivered – partly from the cold rain that still soaked through to my skin, partly because of the acute sensuality I was feeling throughout my entire being. His warm lips caressed the base of my neck just under my ear. My eyes fluttered at the feeling. When it stopped, I slowly turned to face him.
“Sorry, Jade. I guess I went just a bit too far.” He whispered as he swallowed hard, probably holding back the urges that were coursing through him. I knew there were plenty of new feelings surging through my veins, anyway.
“You didn’t.” I breathed, probably a little nervous myself. I suppose that was the only invitation he needed. He placed his icy fingers to my cheek and lightly tucked my loose strands of wet hair behind my ear. His sea foam eyes grabbed ahold of my own and held them there. I couldn’t unlock my gaze from his and I didn’t want to, not even if I had the key to do so.
Danny slowly leaned into me, his face barely an inch from mine. The scent of his rain-kissed skin was intoxicating as it filled my senses, making me lightheaded. Then Danny closed the gap, pressing his lips gently against mine, filling my mind and body with sweet inebriations.
It’s a shame our first kiss had never been fully fulfilled.
I was lost in his lips when a whistling sound ran through my ears. At first, I had just assumed it was a side effect of the immeasurable bliss between us. But I was quickly proved wrong. Suddenly, in that last moment of complete and unreserved pleasure, we were shook apart by the quake of an explosion occurring right outside the complex.
I don’t want to relive this… not now…
I shook my memories away as if they were the quaking complex under my feet. I just didn’t want to continue on reliving a memory that was so hard to forget. It would be different if I could just put the memory back in a file, in the back of a drawer, somewhere where my recollections were kept within my mind. Then I would forget it forever, just as I had struggled so hard to do the first time around. But even just this little segment of that memory would probably have me up throughout the night seeing the faces from the first victims of my endless war. The worst part was that some of those ‘victims’ were actually my first kills. I had changed so much that night – and it all happened because of Danny.
“Jade?” I heard Airika’s voice awaken me from my memories. Something must have been worrying her because she never used my real name. “Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?” She was worried. I lazily rolled my head to the side to look into her worried eyes. Then I realized that the entire time I was reliving my last night of normalcy in my head, I had never said a word.
“I’m sorry, Airika.” I whispered as I sat up. She leaned back to sit on her feet, waiting for my excuse for acting so strange. How long had I been laying there silent like that? I stood up and made my way for the door, still without muttering another word.
“Jade? You’re really starting to worry me.” Airika muttered, sounding almost on the verge of tears.
“I… I need to go talk to Dan.” I uttered silently as I slide the door open and shut it behind me, not giving her a chance to say another word. I shouldn’t have done that to Airika, she’ll be worried sick until I got back. But I couldn’t face her right now, not with that memory so fresh in my mind. It had been a long time since I had ran through that night. I leaned up against the wall in the hallway and placed an arm across my eyes. I just didn’t want to face the world right now. The recent recollection left me emotionally drained. I slide to the floor and just huddled my legs up into my chest as I continued to press my back up against the wall. Dan… it’s no wonder you still are the way you are. Then as if I had called him, he appeared.
“Jade? Is something wrong?” He inquired, softly, worried. I didn’t look up from the floor – everything was so renewed in my memories, as if I had just relived it once more.
“Dan, we need to talk.” I mumbled. He knelt down at my side and put a hand on my shoulder. “But not here.” I looked up to see his brilliant eyes searching me with concern.
He grasped my arm and helped me to stand and we headed down the hall towards one of the dining cars. It was getting dark outside now, cueing the passengers for dinner. As we passed through the café cabin the scents of delicious cooked meals entranced my nose, causing me to glance at all of the plates and bowls of the diners. It seemed like a long time since we’d had a sit-down type dinner as fancy as that. I caught a glimpse of scallops and lobster, chicken and steak, and the most delightfully smelling buttered rolls. At that moment, I almost sat down and took a table for two – for one, I wanted to eat and two, I no longer wanted to have this conversation with Danny. In fact, I had no idea what I even wanted to say or what point I was trying to get across.
We ended up in a conservatory of sorts. There were plants and vegetation all around us. Though we weren’t actually outside, the illusion that was created made it feel like we were. The roof of this partition was made of a thick glass that allowed us to view the night sky without feeling the whipping wind from the movement of the train. I was surprised, however, that they did manage to create a venting system that permitted the night air to softly travel through this area, making me feel calm and tranquil, as if I really were outside. Danny probably knew that this cabin would have that effect on me and that’s why he chose this place for the location of our ‘talk.’
Finding a bench in the middle of the plant life, we sat down in silence. Neither of us spoke for the longest time. I could tell that Danny was letting me find the words I needed, while I, on the other hand, really needed a dictionary before I began. I sat on the bench with my legs crossed underneath me, my elbows resting on my knees, and my face in my hands. Meanwhile, Danny sat back in his seat, rubbing my back softly, trying to calm my nerves. He always knew what to do.
“Danny,” I finally whispered into the palms of my hands. “I think this trip back to Syndrick is really fucking with my mind.” I eventually blurted out.
“Just tell me about it, girl.” Danny murmured, continuing to rub my back and shoulders.
“I just had this really vivid flashback, like I was almost reliving that night.” I didn’t have to tell him which night I was talking about – he knew. “It was like I remembered every little thought and detail that I experienced that night. Thank God that Airika woke me up before I got to… well… after the explosion. I mean, it’s bad enough I relived through the other part – I’m not sure if I could face the rest of that night. Not yet.” I was rambling on, not really sure what words were coming out. I just let my mouth keep moving and I let my mind go dead.
“Jade, girl, just slow down.” Danny began, running his fingers through the back of my hair now. “Don’t think about it as going back to the place where all this started. After all, it is a completely new complex now and you probably won’t even recognize it. You should be looking forward to seeing Niamh again. It’s been, what, like 5 years since you’ve seen her?” He was trying to cheer me up, now. We both knew that’s what I needed.
“Yeah it has. Remember, you and I came back briefly for Niamh’s wedding.” I smiled, remembering how happy she was on that day. “That was a really nice day, wasn’t it? It almost felt like we were normal, for once.” I laughed impersonally at my own jest.
“You know, Jade, one day you’re going to have to face what happened that night.” Danny suggested, suddenly serious.
“Not now, Dan. My memory didn’t even get past the explosion without a sense of panic. I would hate to think if was reliving the whole thing over again.” I muttered.
“Don’t you relive the rest of it on every mission? Every time you take a human life?” Danny accused. I knew he was right.
“Just say what you are wanting to say, Danny.” I stated, calmly. I knew where this was going, but for once, I welcomed it.
“I think the part that you don’t want to face is the fact that you were happy once, Jade. And I’m not just talking about you and me. You lost yourself that night, Jade. I just can’t figure out if you are trying to completely forget about who you used to be, or if you’re pissed off that you aren’t her anymore.” He avowed.
“I wish I could answer that. But I don’t even know the answer myself.” Did I just admit to that? Danny, too, looked at me in surprise.
“Either way, girl, I’m just going to get this off of my chest while we’re on the subject.” He began again. “I relive that night every single evening before I go to sleep. But you know what, I don’t see all the death, the destruction, the… mistakes.” I winced at that word. “You want to know what it is that that memory gives me? Hope. It’s a glimpse of what we had… and what we could possibly have again someday.” The words hit me like a knife, but he didn’t let me dwell on it too long.
“Now come on, Jade, let’s head back to go get Airika. From the looks of things, we’re going to be heading into Syndrick very soon.” He said as he looked up into the night sky. I followed his gaze to see that the stars were fading away into what seemed like a dawn-like atmosphere. Knowing that it was still way too early for it to be daybreak, I concluded that it was the bright lights from the city that made the heavens fade away to nothingness.
As we stood there gawking at the night sky, rows of brilliant lit arches began shooting overhead, blinding us with every instant in which they passed.
“We’re passing through the gates, Jade. Welcome back to the city.” At once, the lights were so strong that I couldn’t look through the glass ceiling any longer. And for that reason alone, Danny and I left the conservatory in a hurry. I said a silent goodbye to the stars as I closed the door behind me, knowing it would be too long before I would see them shine again. As Danny led the way through the now empty dining car, I heard Airika’s panicked voice calling out, awakening me from my farewells.
“Danny! Danny! I’m so sorry! Ooooh, please don’t be mad! I lost Jade! Something really upset her and she said she needed to talk to you and I haven’t seen her since! I am really worried, Dan! I have never seen her like that! I’m so sorry!” She was rattling off like a fire alarm – full of urgency and panic, not to mention the similarities between a siren and the high pitch sound of her shrill screaming.
I peeked around Danny to see the poor girl bent over with her hands on her knees, gasping for breath. I’m not sure if it was from running all over the train looking for me or from the jarring anxiety attack we had just witnessed. Either way, the guilt consumed me at that instant, knowing the terror I had caused her. I went to say something to make it known that I was there, but Danny beat me to it.
“Airika, Jade’s okay.” He muttered the words, hoping that what he said was true – he had just dealt me one hell of a blow to my emotional state after all. Airika looked up from the floor and met my gaze with wide, teary eyes. She didn’t say a word but she shoved past Danny and threw her arms around me in a tight squeeze. Though no words escaped her lips, her hug said it all: I’m glad you’re okay, but don’t you ever do that to me again!
“Excuse me, but the passengers are departing from the train.” One of the cleanup crew members muttered from behind me as he made his way up the aisle, cleaning up the scraps from what was left of those delicious-looking meals from before.
As we made our way to the exit of the train, I felt the cool night air sweep through the cabins. The atmosphere was much icier here, and not only in temperature. I didn’t sense the fresh crispness that I had grown accustomed to in the past 5 years. No, this smelt of electricity and machinery. It was a putrid smell and it made my stomach flop in apprehension. How much could Syndrick have changed in just 5 years?
Then I stepped off of the train and into excruciating turmoil. It was as if we had somehow stepped from the outside world and into the inner workings of a computer – full of circuit boards and CPUs. The lights from all of the towers were blinding. The hum of electricity coursing through the city was deafening. The overall shock of how technology had taken over this place was devastating. And the urge to destroy it all was overpowering.
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