Chapter Seven
An Indecisive Decision
I didn’t go skydiving. Big surprise there. But, for now, I’m over my rant of disappointment. Life isn’t so bad, ya know, just really confusing. Maybe I’m just too greedy, wanting things in life that just aren’t possible. Or, maybe I just finally want more out of life is all it is. Either way, it is a long road ahead full of risks I just don’t want to take. But if no one were to take risks, would anyone truly live? Life is too short to live in fear of the unknown. I keep telling myself that over and over, but I’m not very good at applying that advice to my own life.
I remember about 9 years ago my parents took a risk. When I was growing up, we had all lived in a small town out in the middle of nowhere. Even though it was nothing like where I live now, it was still an inconvenience to have neighbors and traffic. My dad’s dream, his whole life, was to move out into the woods and make a living off the land. He probably would’ve been a mountain man had he never married my mom and had a family. I could just picture my dad with the big burly beard, the plaid shirt and suspenders. And even though the beard isn’t a reality, occasionally the shirt and suspenders are.
Because of the risk they took and the dream he had, I got to live a total of 6 years in the middle of 14 acres of wooded land. I remember that they were hesitant at first, but my grandfather, (the one that told me about octopus soup), told them that if they didn’t take a risk now, they never would. And so they did – and they succeeded. That same grandpa told me that he always knew that if I set my mind to something, I could do it. I suppose that’s how I got to Ireland and Italy. But those are easy choices to me. If someone comes up to me and says
‘hey, do you want to go to Egypt with me?’ there would be this split second of hmm… do I want to go experience a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or stay at home and wish I had? That’s a hard decision for me – yeah right.
I suppose it’s just the long term decisions that get to me, the ones with an uncertain future. I mean, growing up I had always swore 2 things: 1. I would travel to Ireland and 2. I would live on the east coast. Well, I’ve achieved one of those 3 times now. How many times do I need to travel to Ireland until I move on to the second task? Apparently more than 3, I guess, because I still live in Ohio.
The thing is that there are many good things about living where we do now. My husband and I both have good jobs with decent pay. I’m even in my 3rd year of teaching and the art program is finally developing. We are within 3 hours to both of our families. I mean, these are all good things. But here lately it just hasn’t been enough. I just turned 25 two months ago and ever since then, I’ve almost felt trapped. I’m ready to move on completely. I want to relocate, I want to start a family, I want to make friends, and I may even want a new career choice. I don’t even know which of these would make me feel better. But I do know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Ohio. I’m just not happy here. The only thing that does make me happy here is that we are close to our families. But I suppose just because I move doesn’t mean I’ll never see them again.
I’m walking back over from the middle school, thinking it all through. I’m enjoying the fall rain shower, but not enjoying how damn cold it is. At least today, for once, I have my umbrella. Today it’s so quiet, or that’s just because I’ve just left a class full of 25 seventh graders – anything seems quiet after that. As I walk, I listen to the cold drops as they splash off of my oversized umbrella. The muddy gravel under my feet squishes as it shifts with my weight as I dodge the rivers of mud pouring out from the construction site between the two schools. They’re building a new middle school now. Last year was the first year in the new high school as well. And no, our school didn’t just have extra money and they wanted to build new schools. Hell no, this school district is far from have an extra 50 cents to spend. What’s really going on is that the last building (the building I still currently teach in 2 periods out of the day) is completely and totally plague-ridden with mold. But that’s not true according to the board.
With that aside, I get back to my classroom. The nasty smell of chemical cleaner burns my nose as I walk in. They have the janitor clean my room while I’m at the middle school. I don’t mind it, but I almost feel infringed upon when I return – for lack of better words. I walk in and take a glimpse at my board to see what notes and drawings the kids from my Drawing class have left me today. Today there is an elaborate sketch on the white board of a cartoony classroom of kids with a ‘jock’ pointing and laughing at a ‘loser.’
The student responsible had explained this to me in the junior high (he’s my teacher’s aide during part of the time that I’m over there). Apparently he’s moved on to social commentary in his artwork. He says that that’s all that the society is nowadays. I tell him that society has so many problems with it that we didn’t have time to peg them all. This is coming from the same student that recently drew a blue-footed booby for his animal drawing because of its name. He would go around squawking, saying it was his ‘booby-call.” It’s good to see him maturing, even if it is just a glimpse of it.
The sad part is, that even though it is a quick sketchy cartoon, it has so much potential. He is a good artist, but he just won’t take it seriously. A while back he told me he was interested in being a cartoonist. Shortly after, he wanted to be an art teacher. Now… well, now he says he’s not going to college because it’s too expensive. I tried to persuade him for a while to not give up; that there are many ways to pay for student loans. But he turned all that into a game as well. So I just gave up. Why try and convince a stubborn student that’s made up his mind when I can’t even convince myself to live a life that makes me happy.
And here’s the kicker – my husband and I agreed on leaving, moving to the coast somewhere (he says Virginia and the Carolinas, I say more like Connecticut and Massachusetts). It’s just we don’t have the guts to take the risk, to take that initial jump and plunge into the deep end with the cannonball of a lifetime.
No comments:
Post a Comment