S.L.J.V. - Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

The Silence of Solitude and the Sweetness of Revenge

I sat on the edge of the pool, my legs tucked up against my chest, and my chin resting on my knees.  It had been 3 months since we came back to Syndrick and still I couldn’t bring myself to dip my feet into that water.  Every time that I try to go swimming I’m back in that cold dark water, surrounded by the fire and smoke, screaming out for him.

They never found Danny’s body.  I never got to say goodbye.  The last memory I have of him is him screaming out for me to stop so I wouldn’t end up joining him in death.  At this point though, I wish I had kept running.  I was trapped in a mental cage of darkness and depression and nothing or no one could bring me out of it.  I felt bad, but I couldn’t even fake that I was happy anymore.  Even Killian and Keeva seemed to have given up trying to make me laugh again.

I had eight years with him, eight fucking years and I had pushed him away every step of the way.  I had waited too long to feel my own emotions and it had cost me everything.  Jameson hadn’t put me on a single mission since we can home.  He felt I wasn’t mentally fit to take on anything.  I was a shell of my former self and nothing more.  He even made the remark that it was hard enough to lose one of his best soldiers, but losing both of us was just too much.  Nothing like boosting my confidence, they treated me as if I had died as well.  I wish I had.

“Jade, honey, let’s go get something to eat.  You’ve been out here for hours.”  I felt Airika’s soft hands on my shoulders, helping to my feet.  She had been there for me more than anyone else in the past few months.  Where everyone else had either got mad at me or gave up on me, Airika was still there.  She had been there with me the night of the attack and only she knew what I had lost.  For some reason, Niamh couldn’t even comprehend what had happened to me.  She was one of the ones that got upset with me.  She said she hated seeing me throw the rest of my life away – she hated seeing me with a death wish.  Needless to say, we hadn’t spoken much since then.

“Jade, I’m going to be gone for a while.  Niamh says you can stay with her and the kids if you want to.”  Airika brought up as we were eating our lunch. 

“Can I just stay in our apartment?”  I asked as I made little whirlpools in my soup.

“Well, I’m sure that will be fine.”  I could tell she wasn’t convinced.

“Airika, I just don’t want to stay with Niamh right now.”  I stated outright.  There was a definite silence between us.  “Where are they shipping you off to anyway?”  I inquired, trying to make conversation.

“Um… well I’m not sure really.  They uh… haven’t given us all the information as of yet.”  Airika was a horrible liar.  And the way she was lying through her teeth made me realize that she was hiding something from me on purpose.  I didn’t have to say any more, I merely looked up from my bowl of soup and stared at her until she gave in.

“Fine! They’re sending us to the WATR main base.  They received its location shortly after the attack on our vessel and they are finally ready for a strike against them.”  She blurted out.  Just as I thought.

Before she had a chance to say anymore, I was out the door and heading down to the conference room to find Jameson.  That bastard was not going to plan an attack on the ones that took him away from me and not let me have my revenge! 

Busting through the doors to the room, with Airika right on my heels, I caught Jameson off guard.  As he turned, I was right in his face, screaming.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing sending everyone to the WATR headquarters and you’re leaving me in the dark?!  I will be going on this mission and you don’t have any say in it, Jameson.”  I commanded, leaving him with no choice.

“Jade Vantishi, you will not be going on this mission.  You are not mentally fit to even leave this base, what makes you think that you have any right to go on a mission where you will end up getting yourself or one of our troops hurt or killed just so you can be selfish enough to get your revenge on them for what they did to Danny!”  He spat back at my face.  Hearing Danny’s name shouted out loud like that really caught me off guard.  I had no retaliation.  “That’s exactly what I thought; even just the sound of his name and your judgment is clouded.  You’re mentally and physically weak from sitting around moping for the past three months.  Do you think that’s he would’ve wanted Jade? Do you think that sitting around and being all depressed about all this is going to help any?  Do you think he’s ever coming back?”  Jameson continued with his jabbing words.

“No.”  I muttered, fighting back the tears.

“No, what?”  Jameson pried.

“No… he’s not coming back.”  I stumbled over the words.  I knew they were true, but it was still hard to say them. 

“That’s what I thought.”  He shot back at me.  “Now, get yourself out of here.”

“Let me finish!”  I screamed out as I grabbed ahold of the collar of his uniform.  Many soldiers around us rushed to Jameson’s side, but he waved them off like I was no threat to him and that just pissed me off.  “He may not be coming back, but I’m not backing down either!  I am going on this mission with or without your permission, Jameson!  Even if that means I’m walking there myself!  I’m going to find Quentin and I’m going to kill that mother fucker!  You owe me that chance.  Danny and I warned you about Quentin and you didn’t heed to our warning.  You didn’t even check into it you mechanical piece of shit!  And look where it got us!”  I screamed out uncontrollably, gripping his collar tighter with every allegation.  But then it was his turn to speak.

“Now you listen to me you emotional little bitch!  You cannot blame me for what happened on that ship.  Quentin checked out with the Luddite faction and that’s all that we needed to know.  But as for you going on this mission… I guess there’s no way to stop you now is there?”  He cracked an unexpected smile.  You can’t tell me that it’s going to be that fucking easy.  “Airika will fill you in.  Now will you please let go of me and get the fuck out of here.  I don’t have time to deal with whiney little bitches like you.”  I was stunned, but I turned, triumphantly, to leave before he changed his mind.  “And Jade…”  Great here it was, he was going to give me shit after all.  “It’s good to have you back.”

When Airika and I got back to the room, I began packing right away, expecting her to get started on filling me in on the mission at hand.  But instead, she just sat on my bed and watched me intently as I filled my military pack full of the essentials. 

“Airika, aren’t you going to inform me of the mission intelligence?”  I finally inquired, tired of her endless staring.  She didn’t answer for a while, so I stopped what I was doing and focused my gaze on her until she would say something.  And finally she did.

“Jade, I… I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go.”  She finally muttered under her breath, looking towards her feet so she wouldn’t meet my gaze.

“Why?”  I harshly questioned.  Maybe too harsh.  She had been there for me in the past three months, I’m sure she had a reason behind he comment.

“Because Jade, you’re confused in what you want, you’re still emotionally upset, you’re out for revenge and you’ve got a death wish.” I went to say something but she held up a hand.  “And Jade, don’t say that none of that applies, because you know it does.  I mean, I miss Danny too…”  She paused, sorry for using his name. “But we have to move on.  He wouldn’t want us dwelling on his death, would he?”  She inquired.  But she didn’t understand what I had been feeling.  Sure, she missed Danny, but not in the same way that I did.  I had cared for Danny so much and didn’t realize it until it was too late.

“But, I loved him.”  I muttered, barely audible to even my own ears.  I was shocked that those words had just come out of my mouth.  Airika sat there dumbfounded for the longest time.   In fact, neither of us knew what to say to that, but at that moment, I felt that the years of suppressing my feelings for Danny had finally been freed with that one statement.

“Airika… I loved him.  I loved… I loved him.”  I began crying uncontrollably as she put her arms around me for comfort.  I couldn’t speak anymore, I could only sob and gasp for breath, my emotions were irrepressible.  Airika held me against her as my body shook with sentiments.  God, I just wished Danny was here for this.  I wish it was his arms around me, comforting me.  I wish he was the one that heard me say those words.

“Danny, I always loved you.  I just never knew it until you left me.”  I wept, wishing he could hear me.

“I know you did Jade.  And he knew it too.  Don’t you worry, he knew it.”  Airika reassured me.  “And if you feel you still need to go on this assignment, then I’m not going to tell you otherwise.”

***

Three days later we boarded a public train headed back to New Toronto.  Turns out that even though Quentin had been jerking us along the whole time, the WATR headquarters was located not far from the supposed AI facility that never really did exist.

Airika and I were sitting in the dining car munching on some shrimp cocktail.  I swear it was like old times… we were just missing our third person.  My heart sank at the thought, but I didn’t let it show.

“So Jadey-Lady, when this is all over, what are your plans?”  Airika questioned, trying her best to start up some conversation to pass the time by.  I thought about it for a while, but had a hard time seeing much into the future for me.

“I’m not sure, really.”  I muttered, dipping another shrimp into the cocktail sauce.

“Aw come on, Jade.  Don’t be timid, just tell me what you see.”  She urged me on.

“Not to go all sentimental on you Airika, but I guess I thought I’d always have Danny in my future.”  I paused, seeing the sympathy on her face.  I didn’t let it bother me, instead I continued on.  “But not in a romantic way or anything – he was just always there.  Where ever I ended up, I knew he wouldn’t be far behind.  Now that I know that those thoughts are just dreams, I’m not sure what I want.  I honestly think that this will be my last mission.”  Airika looked shocked as she realized what I had said.  Then I realized that she probably took it in a wrong way.  “Not that I’m planning on not coming out alive, Airika.”  She relaxed – I knew I read her right.  “It’s just that after this, I don’t feel like I have much left in me to contribute to the cause.  I think I want to leave the Luddites and just go somewhere and be alone for a while.  Maybe I’ll just go live be the ocean and stay there until I figure out my life.”