Chapter Seventeen
The Little Push I Needed Came From a Freight Train
Now I know that I’m no Jade Vantishi and I’m no Airika Oishin either, but damn I felt like taking on a few of their traits and knocking some heads today. And you know now that I think of it, maybe I’m living vicariously through my characters because we have so much in common. Where Jade is my serious side, my strong side, the side of me that gets shit done; Airika is my fun, playful, silly side. I suppose my personal character leans more towards Airika and my hesitation for happiness derives from Miss Vantishi. But enough of that, back to why I’m so damn angry.
Today was the final straw in the scenario of my school system and I’m just about put over the edge. Don’t get me wrong, I love my students, I love my classroom, I love the fact that I’m finally developing an art program that I’m proud of. What I’m not enjoying is the fact that the administration runs in a way that screws its teachers in any way possible. I mean come on, I’m in my third year of teaching and I’m still at a first year teacher’s salary. If it weren’t for my husband, I would probably be on fucking food stamps with my wages. But even that’s not enough. No, let us put our teachers in a position where they never know if they’re going to have a job the following year. Let’s strike the fear of unemployment into their hearts so they’ll kiss our asses for the whole year.
They’ve kept me in that position for the last 2 years, and frankly, I am pretty damn sick of it. And the worst part is, if they are going to lay you off, well they don’t tell you right away. No, they wait until the last possible moment so that if you are one of the ones that gets let go you have no chance to sign on with another school – all of those positions are already filled. To put it plain and simple: You’re fucked.
I heard through the grapevine that this might actually be my year to go. And I know it’s only a rumor right now, but if I wait until they make it reality, I’m completely screwed. And I’m not waiting for that shit. I had heard that someone had been talking to so-in-so and they were told that my school district, in all of their glorious wisdom, were doing away with all of the elementary level ‘specials’ – i.e. music, gym, art, etc… They are going to attempt to make the regular classroom teachers take care of that. Now, this isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this proposal. Someone had mentioned it last year when all of the layoffs were taking place, but no one could come to a compromise. And some are probably thinking, well why am I worried? I’m a high school art teacher, what does this have to do with me? Here’s the thing – if that truly does happen, the elementary art teacher has many more years’ experience than I do. She will easily bump me straight into the unemployment line.
With all of this going on, the fear and panic of the unknowing returns. I tense up, afraid to really go for anything anymore. One would think that this is the push I need to just jump ahead and go searching for a new job, a new location, anything to get my life going again. But instead, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train. Now that the time is here to make a move, all of those ‘what ifs’ return to my mind, making me back down in my time of resolution.
My escalator is no longer broken – it’s now running in reverse.
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